For a long time I’ve been focused so much on recovering from my mental illnesses, what I hadn’t realized is my real goal is to thrive. As I have learnt reading and researching, and reaching out. I’m not so much wanting to recovery – meaning want to work on something to get something back. An example of this might be a male or women wanting to reclaim say, a activity they did before abuse happened. Like for me a good example of this is modeling. I modeled for a long time, I modeled for L’oreal and also different hair salons. And I ended up stopping because of sexual assault experience I had. I did go to the police and report it, but since then I’ve been really uncomfortable being in front of the camera. One of my goals is to eventually go back to that state and comfort of being able to model for “fun” and to do it because I can, and know no one can take this away from me – and what happened in the passed is in the passed. Although this goal is long away from me, and I still feel fear – and I freak out. I also get really nervous and numbed out when I try. So I’m not ready. And if I ever do get ready again. I probably will never work with people whom I don’t know. As the unknown now scares me in that world. And the incapability I have of trust… It hurts.
Its something I do want to some point in time re-claim. And that in essence of my understanding of the word ‘recovery’ is just that. Its reclaiming, regaining or repossession something that was stolen/lost because of an event or action.
However for me a lot of my other experiences that have formed my BPD, CPTSD and depression and anxiety aren’t ‘experiences’ I can even go back to – and to be super frank, they aren’t something I want to have back, Or even try. And this is why I prefer the term thrive. When I think of thriving. I think of a garden. Land being worked for the first time, putting out seeds, fucking up and having the crows come down and eat my seeds on me, re-trying to grow my seeds, properly putting soil back, have them turn to baby plants and slowly each year as I add more to my garden. As these years happen I also add more of a variety. For me – my first garden is already going. Although myself, my friends and my guinea pigs can’t sample the fruits of my labor. (Because that would be weird). I am basically doing this. Just mentally right now. With my head. As I learn, grow and get skills. My garden grows. And when something crashes, breaks or goes wrong. Depression kicks in, it just means something hasn’t gone right. But you know – that doesn’t make people stop from getting there goals. Or it shouldn’t.
I, myself thrive. Sure I take breaks. I have moments were I want to give up. And I go to bed. I say “Yup. Break time!” and I don’t try to deal with all of the insane stuff. I go back to basics. And as time goes on, and I feel more comfortable again. I re-start projects or focus my attention on bits I feel are more important at that moment.
As I learn more and more about my disorders and how to read them better, learn to cope with them better. My goal is not to re-visit old situations. But rather focus on the new, and prosper. I want to flourish. Grow. I want to create hobbies, interests and whom I am. Not who I was so many years ago. I want to make a new.
My experiences from the passed aren’t ones I want to re-visit. The lost feelings, the unsureness of whom I am, the abuse. I don’t want to go back to that. I also don’t want to look back to those moments and say “Oh well I want to be like this single time I was happy. So why can’t these old days come back?” I feel like those days are done. They are over, they have passed. Yeah I can grieve and say, you know this sucks because I missed out on these experiences. But I also can look forward and say “You know if I really want to have ____. I can just do it. I’m an adult now.” “I am capable now” “I am stronger now”.
I want to: Flourish, prosper, bloom, do well, succeed, expand, gain strength and lastly I want to grow. I don’t want to be stuck between two middle zones forever being passed back and forth.