My Goals for 2018

I really like making realistic goal lists for the next coming year. So I wanted to just share my goals that I currently have floating in my head for 2018.

  • Keep/maintain the healthy friendship I have.
  • Have a healthy and safe job.
  • Pick up more hobbies and also try more enjoyable activities and not focus on doing “bad” or not “great”. but just enjoying them for the moment I’m spending in it.
  • Volunteer – I like to volunteer once a year now. Even if its for a con, but animals would be nice too.
  • get a 3rd guinea pig, so my girls can have another sis. – I want to keep a health herd dynamic. =)
  • drink more water & keep being healthy with eating and other things.
  • Keep doing mindfulness
  • Do therapy for bpd and start DBT. (Its in the works right now. )
  • Try to be more grateful or at least notice things I’m thankful/glad for. Even if its something simple like the weather.

I think these are my biggest goals I’m slowly working towards or are wanting to keep up. I also know I have a bunch items I want to do on my bucket list and that always grows. Maybe I’ll also write a list of that some time. But I really wanted to just acknowledge my personal healthy and realistic goals I have for 2018. As I find it always helpful to just have stuff written down. Compared to having it float about in my head.

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DBT Intake – Day one Impression

This is so late but I wanted to tell people about my first intake session for getting into DBT for borderline.

So out here before you are placed into the programs they like to do 4 sessions of intake to see if you are suited well for the program. Which I think is really good cause it allows them to gauge the level of recovery you’re at to see if you’ll be able to be benefit from the program. It also is helpful cause if your in crisis they can help you find better support. And I think thats also super important.

Meeting with the lady on Monday – I was nervous before hand. I was kind of scared It would be like a drill of like ‘how borderline are you?’ or like really diving deeply into “lets talk about your trauma” and other processes of intake I’ve done for mental health stuff.  I was also scared of the possible judgement that might be assumed or even just feeling like the energy in the room was – hm. Uncaring I think would be the word I’m looking for.

However, what I was assuming, and then fearing and then telling myself “This is whats going to happen”. Was surprisingly dismissed (in a kind way.) and I was able to enjoy the intake. I also like it too because the anxiety I was experiencing lifted quickly enough that it wasn’t a huge issues for me. I still took my deep breaths sometimes, and fidgeted when I needed too.  But sitting in the room I felt invited and I felt comfortable.   I really liked the lady I ended up talking too. She was professional and really understanding and nice. She also asked me questions like “So what have you heard about dbt?” and those kinds of questions and would let me speak, and then give me answers to the questions I had, or clarify any info I might be missing.  She also is one of the people who run the program for DBT so I’m sure she’s seen people like me before.

I learnt the program I’m going to hopefully be getting into is about 14 months. (So a year and 2 months) and she asked me If I can reasonable see myself doing it. And I told her yes. And I still feel like yes – that’s totally doable for me.   And she explained how the program is ran a little. Which is when your accepted your first placed into mindfulness, and then they cycle people into different module. We also get 1 session with a DBT therapist per week, and one classroom session. (So group and then private 1-1)

We also went over a list of questions (which she also gave me my own copy of and wants me to also fill it out at home, just so she can get more) and I have them with me to answer.  The questions are as followed:
“The purpose to this program is to help people manage negative emotions. Please identify the mean reason why you want to learn how to manage your emotions”
“Please Identify 5 specific behaviors that you want to increase and indicate how each may help you. Some examples of behaviors you may want to increase may be… (then a short list)”
“Please Identify 2 behaviors you want to decrease.  Indicate how each behavior interferes with your daily life (Examples)”
“Learning new skills requires repetition and practice. Are there things you know about that might get in the place of practicing? (Examples) ”
“How might you prepare yourself in order to prevent some of your old habits from getting ino the way of learning new skills. “
“Is there a right time in your life for you to participate in a dbt group? Do you have motivation and desire to make changes at this time?” 
I still need to fill these out. I might do a couple today, then a couple tomorrow and so forth.

I also learnt some interesting things from the meeting too. More so of my own emotional cycle I go through and the first and then secondary emotions. Which I always kinda saw as one big emotion. Or I saw my second one being me “crash” back to “normal”. It was also interesting to have someone map it out with me using some examples from my life and identify what my own pattern is with borderline. And for me I found it insightful. And I think it also just really sunk in more seeing it really be written down. Compared to just orally talking about it.

We also explored how my secondary emotion always goes back to shame and fear and guilt. I’m just really grateful I was able to have it written down. Cause Its helping me become more aware!

Im honestly looking forward to the next appointments and I’m looking into challenging myself, and changing for the better with some behaviors. I’m really hoping too that I can just keep learning about me.

I’ll try and keep you guys updated as appointments come and go.  I don’t want to overshare about myself on here. But I think its okay to explain more of the process of my own healing. As I might also be able to receive tips or guidance from other people who also are recovering too.

Thank you for reading. =)

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DBT Intake

On Monday I’ll be doing my first session for being accepted into DBT. I won’t say Its a “DBT” session, or the start to therapy, as from my understanding its neither. Its more of a intake or interview process to see if candidates will fit in with the group. Its also suppose to be a bit of an info session too.  So Its a info session + intake + interviews to then see about placement. The program I’m attempting to get into is for group work. But it should be ran by the coordinator who specializes in DBT and bpd,  and hopefully doesn’t have people sharing trauma or anything else like that. I’m hopeful it’ll be more like my group therapy I had at the sexual assault center. Where is more info based with skills and trying to help people tackle the current problems.

The program itself is also suppose to be intense and is suppose to be like a year long program. So you have to treat it like school. You get homework and lectures and its assumed that you’ll keep using the skills even after homework is done.

Also from what I’ve heard about it, the interviews and intake are suppose to be kinda hard and draining. So I’m mentally getting ready for that and also kind of planning what I’m going to be doing, and I’m going to get my bf to drive me there and back so I can just be calmer and less tense.

I’m also worried because I’m a quiet borderline and cause I don’t really rage/smash things/break things/break feelings. I might end up being told this group isn’t meant for me. Even through I still struggle in a lot of other ways that are really common with borderline. So this weekend I think I’m going to spend some time and jot down the struggles and difficulties I have that come with borderline and why it would be important for me to be accepted in the program. I also want to do this because when I go to interviews for mental health – it doesn’t matter what it is. I tend to go deer in the headlights. My mind just blanks.

I guess one of my other concerns is often when I meet new people in this professional world I get really uncomfortable because they always ask questions about trauma stuff. And I feel like its slightly invasive and I always feel like in the end people don’t really want to deal with the trauma. Its like they want to try and tease it out, but then stop half way through and be like ‘okay, thats all I needed to know’. So hopefully they don’t do this to much.  Cause I don’t cope well being pulled into a trauma state and then being told ‘okay, thanks’ and then ending the session or just moving on to something else. But I also know I might just be acting paranoid. I hope thats all it is. And if they ask about trauma or something – I hope they can just deal with the bare mentioning of it. And they don’t need the details. Cause I’m only comfortable with naming trauma. But not detailing the events.

I also know its taken me forever to be referred to this program, because ever single time I’ve brought this up with my doc, she kept bringing up cause I read this program would be useless for me. So I’m hoping the program head/runners don’t feel the same way about me.

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So I’m 26 now. I turned 26 on November 22nd. I had a pretty good day. I really wanted to try and do things on my birthday and not even just shopping. But just feeling fulfilled and happy cause I really want to start working forward to that, and trying to just enjoy the moments. Vs hoping for good moments to happen. Which is something I’ve noticed I do.

So for my birthday I created my own happy moments. I had breakfast with my boyfriend and we went out to the ocean and ate our yummy breakfast. (It was mcdonalds.) and then we went home, and cuddled. I also had gone out and went for a walk, and I also was excited because my birthday fell on a Wednesday, which means I was able to go to my support group.  My boyfriend also gifted me my present. I got a new coloring book and a really cute card. And I haven’t gotten cards in awhile. And I asked for one.
They both are really sweet. I also really like this artists coloring books. They are really cute drawing to color in. (I have there Christmas one I’ve been slowly working on. And I started it on my birthday) So after my walk and then coloring. My boyfriend had came home from doing a job and we got ready to go out for group and then dinner. So I ended up making myself up to be really pretty. Which I rarely do, and I like it when I do it cause it feels super special.

After group was over, we went out for dinner and had lasagna, with garlic bread. Which is one of my favorite dishes. I was going to make it for myself – but I decided “nawh”. We then went to a grocery store I picked out some small cakes.  I was looking and I some stuff was really price-y and probably really too sweet. Then I ended up noticing these smaller packaged swissroll cakes.

23824828_147038769385930_4216780933954535424_n So I bought them and brought one package home with me to have as a birthday cake. I found it to be really nice. Super soft and not like super sweet. But like just low key sweet. Plus it was strawberry flavored which is my favorite. I also really like how japan does candy and sweets vs some of the american/canadian styles which is like slapping your taste buds like “Bam!! I’m sweet!”

A couple days after my birthday I got to hang out with a friend and she and I went to a craft show, and then after we went to star bucks and she bought me a coffee and it was so yummy. I got a peppermint hot chocolate.  Super taste-y. Oh and I got to visit and say hi to her sweet birds.

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So this is my personal life update. I realize I’m writing this late at night so not many people will see this, but thats okay.  I don’t always share this stuff to be read – I sometimes just like to share things for the shake of getting them out of my brain and be placed somewhere’s. Anyways lets see…

  • I’ve been doing mindfulness for what feels like about a month. I’ve also been able to do it outside of classes. I’ve been able to use it a couple of times while driving in the car. I start myself as soon as we get in the car so any distractions that do happen don’t rattle me up nearly as much.
  • I’ve been accepted for DBT – well kinda. I have to go off and get interviewed for about 4 weeks to see if I fit into the program. I’m really hopeful I can start DBT. I know it really helps with bpd and other issues. And I really need this guidance and help so I can live comfortable. I’m trying to focus less on being normal, and just being comfortable.
  • I’m going to be joining a program soon, its suppose to help people who have problems socializing, doing small talk etc. Those kinds of social skills I lack. I’m also suppose to get someone kinda like a sponsor (like for AA or something), but someone who is good at socializing.  The goal is to try and also help me with communicating better. Cause I’m not good at it. I mean – I have great chats in my head. but saying them outloud is hard.
  • Oh – and its my birthday now. And I’m excited and looking forward to what tomorrow brings me.
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I’ve been looking into female Asperger for awhile now. And I’m really starting to wonder if I have it – or if I really fall on the scale. I know bpd and aspergers can look similar  and I know of a couple of people who have both.  And they are really nice people.  But I’m noticing some things about female Asperger that I do, and I’m wondering. Do I fit on that spectrum?

I know as a child my school would always tell my parents I have autism, or I’m autistic. They’d also coat it with saying your daughter is never going to amount to anything. And looking into dyslexic more. I notice one of the co-occurring issues can be Asperger.

However because of the way they handled it I’ve always had a slight discomfort with that word.  My parents never explored it. It was one of those things my parents believed they could beat out of me.  And for a long time now I’ve had a strong distaste for that word. Because I’ve always been told it means ‘retarded’.

And also dating someone who had ‘Asperger’ and would be abusive towards me and then say he can’t cause he has ‘Asperger’ and I’m just taking the way he copes and making it about me.  (beating his head against the wall and then saying ‘look what your making me do!’ or slapping his hand/fist into the wall and saying ‘don’t talk to me! you make me hit walls!’ is somehow not abusive? Maybe its just my ptsd brain searching for threats. But It would often scary me. )  But because of this I was pretty uncomfortable with even looking into the disorder. Based off of two personal experiences.

But I’m now wondering cause I feel like if this is something I have it might make sense to  have that identified. Also just so I can  maybe learn skills and figure out what is going on. And seeing as I’m going to be learning how to deal with bpd – I may as well also tackle my other parts too. So I guess I’m just wondering.   I’ll talk to a doctor about it on December.

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My Life Goals

I have a lot of goals I want to do with my life, I also have a massive bucket list of actives I wish to do – and I know I will someday.  But I really wanted to talk more about my big goals.  As I’m feeling more and more like I’m going to be able to take on my life now.  I do also know moving forward there is also a long road, but I feel like I’m at the stage where I’m feeling capable enough to reach my goals.

My goals are:

  • Going to school for becoming a vet tech
  • Graduating from school
  • Getting a career in said field
  • Saving up a vet fund for my girls
  • Owning 6 guinea pigs
  • Actively seeing a therapist (for Trauma and more)
  • Figuring out whats wrong with my bowels. (I’m thinking it might be IBS-C)
  • Buying my first property. (Or aiding with the buying of said property)
  • Making my dream garden and “farm”.
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