My Life Goals

I have a lot of goals I want to do with my life, I also have a massive bucket list of actives I wish to do – and I know I will someday.  But I really wanted to talk more about my big goals.  As I’m feeling more and more like I’m going to be able to take on my life now.  I do also know moving forward there is also a long road, but I feel like I’m at the stage where I’m feeling capable enough to reach my goals.

My goals are:

  • Going to school for becoming a vet tech
  • Graduating from school
  • Getting a career in said field
  • Saving up a vet fund for my girls
  • Owning 6 guinea pigs
  • Actively seeing a therapist (for Trauma and more)
  • Figuring out whats wrong with my bowels. (I’m thinking it might be IBS-C)
  • Buying my first property. (Or aiding with the buying of said property)
  • Making my dream garden and “farm”.
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I am

I wanted to list some of the things I am. This isn’t so much mantras or even positive affirmations about myself. Although I think those are important. I am more focused on identity  in myself the things that I like about me. Or things that make me – me. I’m not going to list my mental illnesses here, because they aren’t what makes me, me. They are just apart of me, but they aren’t my choices, hobbies or interests.

I am…

  • in my late 20s
  • Demisexual and also Bisexual
  • the oldest of 4
  • A November baby
  • A witch
  • a cusp of  Sagittarius and Scorpio
  • A huge water person
  • A huge explore
  • A animal lover
  • A guinea pig mom
  • A book lover
  • A geek
  • A creative person
  • A person who loves
  • A tea lover

 

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Tattoo’s I want

There are two tattoos I want in my life right now. The first one I want is having to do with butterflies. I really want to get a small water colored butterfly for my wrist. I want it for the butterfly project, I also would just love to get one cause butterflies are one of my fav bugs.

The second tattoo I really want is two small guinea pig paws.  As my two girls have really helped me with recovering from my clinical depression. They are one of the reasons why I’m off my meds. As I’ve found a reason to live. And I would love to get two small paw print tattoos so I can always remember them and keep them close. As my two special baby girls have helped me a lot. I’m thinking those would be nice two as water color. I’m also thinking each one would be pretty if it was themed too with there names. Leda and Rosie.

I know the first one I really want to get is going to be the guinea pig paws. For both my girls. ❤ Cause they’ve really touched me. (Their mom)

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Thriving Vs Recovering

For a long time I’ve been focused so much on recovering from my mental illnesses, what I hadn’t realized is my real goal is to thrive.  As I have learnt reading and researching, and reaching out. I’m not so much wanting to recovery – meaning want to work on something to get something back. An example of this might be a male or women wanting to reclaim say, a activity they did before abuse happened. Like for me a good example of this is modeling. I modeled for a long time, I modeled for L’oreal and also different hair salons. And I ended up stopping because of sexual assault experience I had. I did go to the police and report it, but since then I’ve been really uncomfortable being in front of the camera.  One of my goals is to eventually go back to that state and comfort of being able to model for “fun” and to do it because I can, and know no one can take this away from me – and what happened in the passed is in the passed. Although this goal is long away from me, and I still feel fear – and I freak out. I also get really nervous and numbed out when I try.  So I’m not ready. And if I ever do get ready again. I probably will never work with people whom I don’t know. As the unknown now scares me in that world. And the incapability I have of trust… It hurts.

Its something I do want to some point in time re-claim.  And that in essence of my understanding of the word ‘recovery’ is just that. Its reclaiming, regaining or repossession something that was stolen/lost because of an event or action.

However for me a lot of my other experiences that have formed my BPD, CPTSD and depression and anxiety aren’t ‘experiences’ I can even go back to – and to be super frank, they aren’t something I want to have back, Or even try.   And this is why I prefer the term thrive. When I think of thriving. I think of a garden. Land being worked for the first time, putting out seeds, fucking up and having the crows come down and eat my seeds on me, re-trying to grow my seeds, properly putting soil back, have them turn to baby plants and slowly each year as I add more to my garden.  As these years happen I also add more of a variety.  For me – my first garden is already going. Although myself, my friends and my guinea pigs can’t sample the fruits of my labor. (Because that would be weird). I am basically doing this. Just mentally right now. With my head. As I learn, grow and get skills. My garden grows. And when something crashes, breaks or goes wrong. Depression kicks in, it just means something hasn’t gone right. But you know – that doesn’t make people stop from getting there goals. Or it shouldn’t.

I, myself thrive.    Sure I take breaks. I have moments were I want to give up. And I go to bed. I say “Yup. Break time!” and I don’t try to deal with all of the insane stuff. I go back to basics.  And as time goes on, and I feel more comfortable again. I re-start projects or focus my attention on bits I feel are more important at that moment.

As I learn more and more about my disorders and how to read them better, learn to cope with them better. My goal is not to re-visit old situations. But rather focus on the new, and prosper. I want to flourish. Grow.  I want to create hobbies, interests and whom I am. Not who I was so many years ago. I want to make a new.

My experiences from the passed aren’t ones I want to re-visit. The lost feelings, the unsureness of whom I am, the abuse. I don’t want to go back to that. I also don’t want to look back to those moments and say “Oh well I want to be like this single time I was happy. So why can’t these old days come back?” I feel like those days are done. They are over, they have passed. Yeah I can grieve and say, you know this sucks because I missed out on these experiences. But I also can look forward and say “You know if I really want to have ____. I can just do it. I’m an adult now.” “I am capable now” “I am stronger now”.

I want to: Flourish, prosper, bloom, do well, succeed, expand, gain strength and lastly I want to grow. I don’t want to be stuck between two middle zones forever being passed back and forth.

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Comfort kit

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So for a couple of years now I’ve been working on my comfort box. It originally started off as a box (a picnic basket). I learnt about this when I was going though a sexual assault program and I thought this was great. So I started to collect items that worked for me. However I slowly found out that my picnic was kinda hard to get into. It wasn’t very useful when I was out, or traveling, and I also had difficulties getting to it once I had moved.   So I have dumped the basket and I’ve moved to something thats a bit more easy for me to use. (The pink and flora pencil case in the above picture is my comfort kit)

In there I have a couple of items I find super relaxing, or grounding.  Such as…:

2 Tangles.  – One is textured. One isn’t. I like the textured one. Cause its bumpy.
Gum / Candy – I tend to have some kind of gum or hard candy I can suck on. I find it as a good way to do mindfulness for a couple of moments. So I use strong gum flavors. Or just really nice hard candy. I like focusing on it.
Small toy – I find toys tend to be nice. Its normally a small blind bag toy, like a plush, or something else tiny that I can pet. I like something soft. As petting something can bring ‘comfort’ to me.  I also really like toys that are beanie like. Cause they can also be nice to squish without making a mess in public.
Fidget spinner – I really like these things. Its kinda soothing to use and to stop and start, stop and start. I also find it a little less annoying then moving my feet back and forth. or fiddling with a pen.
Anti bacterial hand gel – This is kinda old. But I still like the pumpkin spice one I have. Cause it makes me think of Halloween. =) so pulling memories is nice.
Ear plugs
Worry Stone & stones
Natural oil inhalers –
I’ve made these. They are essential oil pens that help me with relaxing.
Animal Totems. – So I find this really nice for a couple of reasons. I’m part native so I feel like its a good way to get into grips of my heritage. I’m also a witch, and totems tend to have to do with nature. They are cold which can bring the sensation of me touching something to my fingers. They also have really nice inspiring words on them. Like “Play” “Courage”. Different words I do identify as my strengths.

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Birthday

So I was born in the month of nov, and this year I’m turning 26.   I really am looking forward to my birthday. (Right now anyways) I tend to get really excited for the build up to my birthday.  So the excitement and all around feeling like I’ve done so great with my life so far! And being excited that its one more year I can just about claim I’ve lived to the fullest of the possible I have right now. Is coming.  And thats what makes me excited. I also love looking back and seeing my progress and changes. Personality, achievements and even recovery wise always make the progress worth it.

However I tend to also notice I do a bit of a nose dive down. Its like I might be excited up until my birthday comes. A couple of days before and the day of and the week after I swan dive down. I bring up all of the things I suck at, my fears. phobias. worries. Failures. Things I haven’t been able to do, things I can’t change, things I don’t know how to change. Bubble up.  And ontop of that, the feelings of being insurance and basically the fears of feeling like I have no one takes over.  I often wonder, and worry that I have no friends. I feel like this a lot too.  But I really want to challenge this. As I recover from bpd, one of the struggles I’m going to have is challenging the ways my brain processes info. Being older and have moved to a city a couple years ago and never making from, or friend I had made were flakey or I was often told o ‘stop’ being friends with them. Makes me worried my sky/life and society I create is going to crumble down like a poorly build sand castle. But this year I really want to try something better. Compared to just dumping the bucket of water on the sand castle saying ‘fuck it’ or ‘it was broken already!’ I want to try and build it back up.

I think this year I’m going to do a birthday party. I don’t know if people are going to come. So I’m not going to do anything fancy like a pottery class as a studio out here. Although I would love to do that some time. I think what I want to do is go bowling.  Have people show up to the bowling alley and we can rent out a lane and bowl.  I feel like my city is flakey and people aren’t the most predictable so I’d rather just have people pay for it themselves. That way I’m not at a loss of money. I might also buy a cake. But I do want to invite my friends. eat cake and bowl. Maybe I’ll get gifts. Maybe not. The thing I want the most though is to have a ‘real’ birthday. Like to feel loved, and like I’m special.

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30 days of bpd

Day 27: What are some validating statements you think would help for you, when you feel like someone isn’t validating you or your experiences?

I think my favs are:
I can see/hear your upset.
Yes, that was very unkind/uncaring/hurtful for he/her to say to you.
I can see this is very hard for you right now, are we able to do something right now to fix it?
I can see your pain.
I’d really just like to validate you and this/situation. Because it does suck, it is hard.

I also find these ones to be probably also the easiest for someone to say.

Day 28: Name a character from any form of media you identify with the most. Tell us why?

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I think my all time fav character from some kind of media would have to be Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Services.

I really like her for a lot of reasons. I feel like she dealt with depression. (Like a reason why she couldn’t fly, couldn’t speak to Jiji.) and I find it to be very nice to see that being tackled in a movie thats so old. I also found her somewhat impulsive. Which for me is a trait I have and identify with, but I also liked it cause she was able to stick to her guns even when she makes an impulsive choice.  I find her really strong and super sweet too. She’s also old time-y and has some weird things about her. (Like I do) ❤

Day 29: Write about something that makes you smile.

One of the things that makes me smile normally is thinking about my baby piggie girls and how they are always there for me. I can feel really crappy, overwhelmed. I can feel like there is no reason to keep going. Nothing – nobody is going to love me. No one cares. But then I can get up and go to there cage and look at there happy little faces. Sleeping, wheeking, chewing. They are always there.

I also feel happy to think I’m lucky to have them in my life and I’m grateful I have them. I’m also grateful that they’ve warmed up to me.  =) so yeah they make me smile everyday.

Day 30: Post a picture of yourself. Tell us about your day.
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My day has been good. I had a nice relaxing day, I went out for breakfest with my boyfriend. Then I went over to a friends house to hangout. I got to pet cute puppies and seeing a happy cat. It was nice to also have a friends house to go to. After that I came home and I’ve just be doing home things. Like computer, eating food, etc. =) Now its evening and its time for a lazy night. I might go off soon to go and play WoW.

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